Rainy Day

Outside is slightly warm, but overcast and drizzly. I normally am exhilarated by this type of weather, but today I can't help but notice how closely it matches my mood.

To recap - last night was fun, in a bittersweet sort of way. I was the first person in my group to leave work (7:00 pm - they are crazy!) but I had snacked all day, so I wasn't in the mood to rush home and make dinner. I wandered along Gloucester Road enjoying the revelry on a Friday night. When I couldn't walk any further, I retraced my steps one block away from the water and then doubled back. Wanchai has some streets that are straight and some that curve. This is more than my directionally-challenged mind can handle (unless it's a perfect grid like NYC, I quickly get lost), so I soon found I had no idea where I was.

I find there is a certain comfort in just losing myself in the crowd. And getting lost - literally. It used to scare the crap out of me, but I soon realized it is just a cab ride to home from basically anywhere. Anyway, it's almost like stepping into someone else's life. I regularly make a complete idiot of myself, but who cares? No one here knows me - I'm completely anonymous.

(What is the name of this neighborhood again? Have I been here before?)

Tonight, the neighborhood is alive, but not in the overpowering way that I experienced in Central last weekend. I found myself in Causeway Bay, my eyes a little overpowered by the neon sign barrage. I had Silversun Pickups blasting on my Ipod, so it was a little bit like walking around in a music video.

(Where am I? Oh wait, I think I recognize that neon sign. Uhm … turn left?)

I walk past bars, restaurants, stores, spas, even video arcades just teeming with people. The very young, who tend to stare at the tall white guy with the goofy grin on his face. The very old, who are so hunched over their eyes are perpetually examining the details of the sidewalk beneath them. Young tourists, totally freaking out that they can drink alcohol at 18 instead of 21. The trophy wives and local hookers … I honestly have a little trouble telling the difference. Even an albino and a little guy with a Hitler mustache. You know I love the freaks …

(Should I get a cab? I'm totally lost. On wait, I think I remember that neon sign. Right! No, straight!)

Then it hit me. This is all going to be over soon. Very soon. I can't believe I've been here for two months already. I quickly tried to push the thoughts out of my mind - it would be juvenile to ruin my last weeks in Hong Kong by being depressed about having to leave. Think about AC's visit. Think about taking the dog to the beach. Think about playing drunk Cranium with Dan and Ash. Those thoughts were quickly replaced by seeing myself get up at 4:45 instead of 7:30 every morning. I saw myself driving down Lawrence Expressway, the anxiety mounting as I draw closer and closer to a job with a very uncertain future.

(Ah, an MTR station. I'm just going to take the subway home.)

Embarrassingly, a little tear runs down my face, but I brush it off like an eyelash problem. I think the major downside of this trip is that it has shown me what a healthy balance can feel like. I have to go back. In many ways I want to go back. But things need to be different, somehow.

(God, all these damn Madonna ads in the subway are obnoxious. AC is totally going to love this, of course).

Now I sit here in Starbucks on a Saturday morning. I'm here to work, but no work has been done. The rain slightly streaking the windows, pushing a hodge-podge of people into this little slice of America. It's funny how the happiest moments of your life can also be the saddest. I didn't find the answers at the bottom of a grande soy chai latte. Or a bathroom (what coffee place doesn't have a toilet?).

I shuffle my way home, already subconsciously saying goodbye to the city I initially hated then quickly loved. Negotiating my way home by recognizing neon signs rather than street names. God I'm weird ...

Happy nine years baby! I'm going to go find a green beer!