Friday night baby! After a long, hard week - I was ready to party. Although "party" usually implies more than one person, which I am not. But who' counting? Oh well, I am.
Over the past few days, I have experienced more than my share of what I refer to as "Chinese Honesty." The people I have met here say the cutest things ... that make me want to wrap my fingers around their little brown necks and ... well, you know.
Case 1: I am in my office, reflecting on the fact that I have been living in Hong Kong for two months. I start to say, "I can't believe ..." only to be interrupted by two coworkers. They argue between the two of them about who can predict what I'm about to say. The winner proudly proclaims, "uhm ... you can't believe how much weight you've gained since you've been here!" I want to slap the proud look off of her face. The other says, "oh, I was thinking how time flies when you're having fun," which was correct. But the damage had been done. I'm soooo sorry that I gained like five pounds since I've been here. Leave it to their little skinny asses to notice ... but I digress.
Case 2: Today, coming back from the dim sum lunch (they had me this close to eating chicken feet ... I swear), the other co-worker says, "in China, we use towtass (tortoise) for healing purposes. We make it into a jelly and it helps people like you who have skin problems!" She earnestly nods and draws air-circles with her index finger around her mouth, pointing out the part of MY face that has been causing me trouble since I've been here. "I thought about telling you about your problem, but not sure if you like towtass." Okay, I'm completely aware of my 'problem' and no, I don't think I'm going to eat turtle jelly to clear it up.
Case 3: I am a creature of habit. I like to go to the "Pig and the ..." something-or-other for a few beers to warm me up to The Wanch. Tonight, the waitress says to me, "why are you always here alone? Don't you have any friends?!?" Uhm, yes, you are so not getting a tip from me. Yes, I have friends. Just none on this continent.
Something tells me this honesty would not be so warmly received. Because I think, "wow, are you really eating chicken feet, because that is f-ing disgusting. They walk all day in their own feces" And, "Jesus you people are short!" And, "why am I the only person who brushes my teeth after lunch?" Between the Chinese and the Brits, my not-so-secret love, Dr. Barcelona (aka the Dreamy Dentist), would perish here!
Now that I know my days are numbered, I am "noticing" everything on overdrive. This happens when you're in a bar alone with no one to talk to. The issue is that I can't remember crap, so I find myself trying to commit very weird stuff that happens to me to memory.
"Okay, remember the albino ... albino albino albino ... oh and the little guy with the Hitler mustache! Albino ... Hitler - don't forget! Hitler liked white people ... like albinos! Bingo!"
Tonight it was, "okay, remember the lady who flirted with you tonight who looked like Rachel Griffith off Six Feet Under. Oh, and brag about how everyone at The Wanch remembered you this time. Be sure to note that the hookers are flirting with you again. It's a good sign about your complexion - they don't consider you a herpes risk anymore. "Albino Asia Hitler Rachel Griffiths Hooker Herpes!"
And that pretty much sums up my latest night in Wan Chai.
Over the past few days, I have experienced more than my share of what I refer to as "Chinese Honesty." The people I have met here say the cutest things ... that make me want to wrap my fingers around their little brown necks and ... well, you know.
Case 1: I am in my office, reflecting on the fact that I have been living in Hong Kong for two months. I start to say, "I can't believe ..." only to be interrupted by two coworkers. They argue between the two of them about who can predict what I'm about to say. The winner proudly proclaims, "uhm ... you can't believe how much weight you've gained since you've been here!" I want to slap the proud look off of her face. The other says, "oh, I was thinking how time flies when you're having fun," which was correct. But the damage had been done. I'm soooo sorry that I gained like five pounds since I've been here. Leave it to their little skinny asses to notice ... but I digress.
Case 2: Today, coming back from the dim sum lunch (they had me this close to eating chicken feet ... I swear), the other co-worker says, "in China, we use towtass (tortoise) for healing purposes. We make it into a jelly and it helps people like you who have skin problems!" She earnestly nods and draws air-circles with her index finger around her mouth, pointing out the part of MY face that has been causing me trouble since I've been here. "I thought about telling you about your problem, but not sure if you like towtass." Okay, I'm completely aware of my 'problem' and no, I don't think I'm going to eat turtle jelly to clear it up.
Case 3: I am a creature of habit. I like to go to the "Pig and the ..." something-or-other for a few beers to warm me up to The Wanch. Tonight, the waitress says to me, "why are you always here alone? Don't you have any friends?!?" Uhm, yes, you are so not getting a tip from me. Yes, I have friends. Just none on this continent.
Something tells me this honesty would not be so warmly received. Because I think, "wow, are you really eating chicken feet, because that is f-ing disgusting. They walk all day in their own feces" And, "Jesus you people are short!" And, "why am I the only person who brushes my teeth after lunch?" Between the Chinese and the Brits, my not-so-secret love, Dr. Barcelona (aka the Dreamy Dentist), would perish here!
Now that I know my days are numbered, I am "noticing" everything on overdrive. This happens when you're in a bar alone with no one to talk to. The issue is that I can't remember crap, so I find myself trying to commit very weird stuff that happens to me to memory.
"Okay, remember the albino ... albino albino albino ... oh and the little guy with the Hitler mustache! Albino ... Hitler - don't forget! Hitler liked white people ... like albinos! Bingo!"
Tonight it was, "okay, remember the lady who flirted with you tonight who looked like Rachel Griffith off Six Feet Under. Oh, and brag about how everyone at The Wanch remembered you this time. Be sure to note that the hookers are flirting with you again. It's a good sign about your complexion - they don't consider you a herpes risk anymore. "Albino Asia Hitler Rachel Griffiths Hooker Herpes!"
And that pretty much sums up my latest night in Wan Chai.
2 comments:
I can't imagine what your memory of Asia will be in say 60 years. That is a scary thought. Albino Hookers with hitlers herpes.
Hey Justin -
Some thoughts on my experiences in Cambodia might shed some light on yours:
1. In many Asian cultures, being fat is a good thing. The thinking goes something along these lines. Skinny people are skinny because they can't afford to buy lots of food. Fat people are fat because they have lots of money to buy lots of food. Therefore, the fatter you are, the better!
2. Asians are very social creatures. A Cambodian would never, EVER go anywhere like a bar or restaurant by themselves. Ever. The Vietnamese were much the same. People everywhere, always with someone.
3. In general, Asians seem to have no fear about discussing topics with total strangers that make our Western toes curl. I must have gotten about a hundred offers in Vietnam from people eager to find me a Vietnamese wife. Thanks. Did I ask for a wife? To make things even more fun, this was often one of the first things people would say when you met them!
Enjoy your final days there, and bring plenty of those memories back home.
Post a Comment