Singapore Slung

I surely hope that this trip was not a glimpse into my business-related travel future. It wasn’t bad, but, okay it was bad. Not as bad as my infamous business-trip-from-hell to Dallas, but … okay here goes.

Pre-Flight

Hong Kong was raining like mad. They call it “red rain” after a warning system they have in place for, well, heavy rain. There is amber, red and black. Not sure what you’re supposed to do (black rain … aaaahh …. take cover!), but nevertheless I was sure that my flight was going to be f-to-the-ucked.

It actually wasn’t that bad. We took off 1.5 hours late so I got into Singapore well after midnight. On the bright side, I was able to call AC on his birthday and chat for a few minutes on the cab ride to the hotel. Singapore was amazingly hot and muggy for 1:00 am, so I could only imagine what the daytime would be like. Got to bed around 1:30-ish? Maybe closer to 2:00.

Day 1

Got up at 7:00 to iron my clothes and grab some breakfast. My face is back to 15-year-old-virgin status, so I greeted a fresh batch of pimples just in time to meet the whole International HR team. At breakfast, I saw some people wearing shirts with my company’s logo, but I only cranked out about five hours of sleep so I wasn’t quite in the mood to make friends. First day of meetings was pretty good. The entire agenda was running behind, but we had a hard stop at 5:00 pm so we could go off to some mystery event. Turns out it was a safari. Okay, so I was pretty excited about the safari, especially at night, but I only brought my business clothes and no tennis shoes. I was able to kind of casualize my current outfit, but when I went outside – rain again. Major major rain. And lightning. And thunder right after the lightning that shook the entire bus we were on. I’m told I really should start to expect this every day for the next few months, but I don’t have an umbrella. So I kinda got a little wet on the way to the restaurant. Overall, kinda cool

Dinner was nice, and we were treated to a show that involved fire breathing, a performer rubbing a flame all over his skin and in his mouth, and an exciting exhibition where my coworkers had to hold balloons between their legs while blind-folded guys in loincloths popped them with blow darts. The Europeans didn’t quite know what to make of all of it. They were actually pretty wigged out. The night safari was cool – the animals were pretty active (likely because they had all just been fed). I forgot my camera. Dammit!

The agenda for the second day of the meeting was totally revamped. For me, this meant I had an extra 15 minutes for one session and 30 minutes less for the other. We got back to the hotel around midnight, so I went back to my room and revamped both presentations. I really wanted to do a good job because this was the capstone of my entire project. To make things worse, the following day was going to start one hour earlier from the original schedule. In bed around 2:00 am, up again at 6:30. I think this brings my cumulative total of sleep to 9.5 hours-ish over two days?

Day 2

This is a day I’d rather not remember. Let’s just say this. AJ, who was totally sleep-deprived and had two cups of coffee to compensate for the lack of sleep, shouldn’t give presentations to non-native English speakers. Oh God it was bad. To top it off, I got extremely nervous for some reason. Tried to crack a couple of jokes, unsuccessfully. Is this thing on? Apparently not. Started sweating profusely. Oh man, it was bad. I can’t even type about it.

So I returned to my seat, drenched in sweat, trying not to cry (oh God, is that awful sweaty smell me? I’m so glad I’m sitting next to the VP). Then, my second presentation got cancelled entirely. Besides the fact that I stayed up until 2:00 revamping it, now a total waste of time, maybe it was for the best. They took one look at the first one and said ‘cut this guy from the team!’

The meetings end late, again, and we have to run off for another business dinner. I have exactly 45 minutes of free time. I decide a nap was in order. I set the alarm on my cell phone for 25 minutes and set it on the bed next to me. I close me eyes and suddenly the alarm goes off. Huh? I pick it up, thinking maybe someone is calling me, only to find out that I had instantly fallen asleep and 25 minutes had gone by. I sat there in a total mind warp. Did I even feel refreshed? I can’t believe I fell asleep and didn’t even remember!

I ran downstairs, including bumping into several walls and getting off the elevator on the wrong floor, to meet everyone in the lobby. In the mirror, I notice that I have red pillow-marks all over my face. Nice. We get into the van and it’s all girls (it’s HR after all), completely screaming while reviewing each others’ recent clothing purchases. “Oh my God, look at those cuuuute shoes! What is that dress made out of? Cotton? No way!” I looked out the window and just longed to be somewhere, anywhere but here. Somewhere quiet, somewhere I had some friends – maybe even some nice gay friends – who also talk about shoes but not nearly as ear-splitting – or maybe just home in my little apartment in HK. Singapore was so beautiful, but I was officially over it.

But apparently Singapore wasn’t yet over me. There was much more to come! Dinner was actually very nice and I had a killer Ceasar salad that rivaled Zuni any day. During dinner, my boss leaned over to ask when I’m leaving. I inform her that I waited too long to book my flight, so I had to be at the airport at 6:45 am. I really needed to leave the hotel by 4:15 or 4:30 at the latest. She suggests that I transfer on to her Singapore Airlines flight and join her for a tour of Singapore. Hmm … do I dare? This would be really tempting fate. I mull it over, more relishing the idea of getting some sleep rather than the tour, but decide to simply arrange a 4:00 am wake up call and get the hell outta dodge. In bed tonight around 12:30, wake up call at 4:00. Total sleep over three days … I can’t even do the math. 12 hours?

So I’m at the airport. Exhausted, smelly, but on my way home (I saved time my skipping a shower in the morning A decision I’ll soon regret). I decide I’m not even going to go in the office. I deserve some rest. God I can’t wait to sleep on the plane. At the United counter in Singapore, they have this system where you line up for check-in by destination and class. I am escorted over to the Hong Kong queue (apparently it’s headed to San Francisco after HK) and review all the signs while waiting. Flight 896 Business Class. Flight 896 1K Members. Flight 896 HK Only. Flight 896 US Only. Flight 896 Cancelled. That’s odd, what class is “cancelled?” Interesting … wait … there’s no chance that … no … the flight’s not … naah … I’m not even going to think about it.

(@*&$!% $*!!@%#?!!!) These expletives are repeated in my mind, over and over and over.

So my flight is cancelled. I am about ready to jump out of my skin. They very politely transferred me to the Singapore Airlines flight for 1:00 pm. Yep – that very flight I decided not to willingly be on. Maybe I can sit with my boss and enjoy the irony! I can’t even get a boarding pass until 11:00 (it’s now 5:00), meaning I can’t get through security, so I have to sit with a million people in the very hard chairs that surround the baggage check in area. There’s no room to lay down. My mobile phone is dead, so I can’t call anyone. There’s no wireless Internet. My laptop battery is dying. This is fun.

I go grab some coffee for comfort and a much-needed pick me up. You know how coffee tends to get things “started” in the morning, so I run over to the little boy’s room. I proceed to clog the toilet. It’s not my fault! They don’t have those toilet seat condoms here so it takes a lot of tissue to create a barrier between your hiney and this 3rd world toilet seat! I’ve had it. I raised my head proudly and rolled my wheelie bag through the fecal fountain. As the bathroom began to flood, I looked in the mirror to find the pillow-marks have been replaced by a large red hand print - some kind of cosmic bitch-slap. And a new batch of pimples. Sigh.

I curled up in the fetal position, sucked my thumb and knocked out two books (Misery by Stephen King – AWESOME and Prey by Michael Crichton – so so).

At 10:30, I run to the Singapore Airlines counter hoping they’ll at least give me a boarding pass so I can get past security to some comfortable chairs. I hand the clerk the transfer stub they gave me and hold my breath.

Counter Guy: Sir, this is a United Airlines stub.

Me: Yes, I was on the cancelled flight this morning, so they transferred me to you.

Counter Guy: Okay, may I have your ticket?

Me: That’s all they gave me.

Counter Guy: Sir, I need a ticket. Didn’t they give you a ticket.

Me: No

Counter Guy: Okay, hang on. *picks up phone* Uh huh. Yes. Yes. No, no ticket. Mr. Arnold. Uh huh. Yes. They said you need a ticket.

So at this point, I have to make a decision. I can crawl over this desk and put this guy in a headlock until he dies from my BO, or I can start to cry like a baby. Suddenly, my travel instinct kicks in. His hair looks particularly fluffy. Is that a flowery cologne I smell? Also … oh this is too good … is he wearing makeup?

Me: I’m so sorry that I didn’t follow the process. I’ve been at this airport since 4:00 am and I’m so tired and just want to get home. I’m wondering if there’s anything else you might be able to do for me? *conjuring up my best I-know-you’re-gay-and-I-am-too-secret-look*

He was the nicest kid on the planet. He walked over to the United counter for me (all the way in another terminal) and tried to get it sorted out. He printed me a little fake boarding pass to get me in past security. About 20 minutes later, as I was going to grab some food I hear “Mister Arnold! Mister Arnold! Wait!” He chased me across the airport after I left to get me a real boarding pass so I could sail right through. He turned my day around.

The airport was beautiful. They had HUGE orchid gardens all throughout. The food on SA was much better than United, including my first Singapore Sling! The flight was over before I knew it and I was a new man.

So now I’m home, after 15 consecutive hours of travel and so glad to be “home.” I’ll try Singapore again … someday …